skinnyminny

News, life happens!  Today my parents came home from a European vacation (yay!).  They were supposed to be back yesterday, but they had some travel delay.  So they called around 4:00 (an hour before I was supposed to go to the gym), and asked me to get them at the airport.  Of course I was so excited to see them, so I went to get them, but I missed out on the gym!  I’m trying to think a little about my trip at the end of the week.  I think it’s realistic that I can work some walking and healthy eating into the weekend.  For instance, I LOVE sushi, and will be on my own for lunch on Thursday and Friday, so there’s no reason that I can’t treat myself to some of the good stuff! :)  Also, what’s better than walking around in Central Park?  I can take my Ipod, jam out, and people watch!  I think it will be fun.

Here’s me for the day :p

Breakfast: Yogurt and graham crackers (I know this sounds weird, but it’s delish and makes me happy, so I’m sticking with it).

Lunch: Reduced fat Ritz and 1 oz of cheese

Snack: Slim fast shake

Dinner: 1/2 chicken quesedilla (split with Dad!).  Chips and salsa (but not a ton)

Snacks: 100 calorie popcorn, 5 Riesen candies

My Dad complemented my weight loss (even though I think it’s been fairly small), which is a big deal, because he is very body conscious (60-year-old who kinda looks like a 30-year old).  It felt really good!

I’m going to the gym tomorrow at noon between work and classes.  I’ve been good about going then, as I seem to feel like I can get away!  Here goes nothing (or everything!).

So, whew.  It’s really easy to get off-track, even when you’ve been on-track for a while!

Yesterday and today were pretty BAD days.  I feel like Bridget Jones who records her “1,000,000 calories.”

I clearly don’t respect myself, the way that I treat myself.  At our party on Saturday, one of my friends took a picture of me (eating - SHOCKER), and I looked at it.  I just look terrible.  It’s pretty freaking depressing.  The thing is that eating has always been how I’ve dealt with depression or being down, and I’m depressed/down about how fat I am.  Not to mention the fact that I worked out ALL week, ate well, lost a few pounds, but I still look fat!  I know it doesn’t happen over night, and I certainly don’t expect it to, but I just wonder how in the world I let things get this far.

I’m thinking that I might need to go back to the psychologist, as I’m feeling a bout of depression coming on.  I’m just sad for no real reason, having a hard time getting motivated (other then working out - SURPRISE!).  I’m just SO tired of being overweight, and like I said, I know it won’t happen overnight, but I just want to lose weight SO badly.

Okay, I’m going to quit bitching now.  I have a ton of other things to be doing now anyways…

Going for three days at the gym this week.  Thursday and Friday I’ll be in NYC!  Maybe I can get in a walk in Central Park on Thursday and Friday!

Well, I had a kind of bad day yesterday.  I was going to work out, but I hadn’t studied for a test that I had last night, so I skipped the gym.  Of course, while I skipped the gym, I didn’t actually study.  I didn’t feel like studying.  So, it was a bad start (skipping the gym).  Then, I skipped dinner because I knew that I was going to need to have a drink (or two).  Of course it turned into more like seven drinks (I can handle my liquor…).

When I got on the scale this morning, I was lighter than I have been in MONTHS, which was exciting, but I know that’s because I was dehydrated from drinking. But it gives me hope!  Anyways, back to the point: I didn’t do v. well yesterday. However, today I did a little better.  Here’s the stats:

Exercise: 1 hour on the elliptical (sweating out the TOXINS)

Breakfast: None (got up late and went straight to the gym)

Lunch: WW Lasagne bolognese

Dinner: 2 grilled cheese sandwiches, 2 boxes yogurt raisins, 2 fortune cookies

Snack: 2 string cheese, 1 apple

Doesn’t look totally great, but I’m happy that I worked out.  I’m planning to work out before my roomie’s party so that I can have something good to eat.  I’m going to try not to drink as much (obviously) since that definitely ruins my points counting.  As long as the scale keeps going down, I’ll be happy.

Well, today went pretty well.  I was surprised when I got on the elliptical machine to find that I could go for an hour without too much complaint from my body or brain (maybe because I ate a decent breakfast!).  I was also pretty busy all day, and pretty much had to remind myself to eat (which I did).  My one slip was a bowl of ice cream when I got home tonight.  It was DELICIOUS, but probably not worth the calories.  Because I worked out today, I was only 1.5 WW points over my goal, but it wasn’t on my Best Life goals of not eating full fat dairy.  The good news is that the ice cream is GONE, so I don’t have to worry about it anymore.

Just to bore you, here’s food/exercise today:

Breakfast: Yoplait light and a cup of cheerios

Lunch: Progresso tomato rotini soup, Melba toast, 2% cheese, 3 slices turkey, 1 small apple

Dinner: WW Ziti with cheese (um…YUM)

Snacks: Slim fast shake, Ice cream

Exercise: 1 hour on the elliptical machine

So, on Saturday night we’re having a party for my roommate’s birthday.  She’s requested angel food cake (yum!), which I am more than happy to oblige in.  I’m a little worried about the rest of the party, though.  We like to feed our guests well, and I do like to sip a cocktail or two.  I’ve had SO MUCH resolve lately, and I’m just worried that, when presented with temptation, I’m going to give in.

How do you handle the party situations at your house?  I don’t want my guests to have to eat “diet food.”  But I also don’t want to get totally derailed.  Is it okay to have a drink or two if it’s factored into my calories for the day?

Ugh.  This is harder than I thought it would be.

So, I only lasted one day on the South Beach Diet.  It sucked.  I didn’t wanna (remember my blog earlier?).  I was hungry/cranky/shaky/miserable.  Normally, my behavior after coming off of SBD involves a binge on something unhealthy.  Luckily, funds are painfully low, so instead I came home and ate a WW frozen dinner (I almost threw them out in the cleaning frenzy, but I am REALLY glad that I didn’t!).  I tracked my points on WW and ended up .5 under my daily allowance, so I’m feeling relatively good about that.  I think I’m going to do a hybrid WW/Best Life diet.  It seems to make more sense to me.  The Best Life is good because it gives me some rules (i.e. for the next however long, I’m not eating ANY fried food, transfats, full fat dairy, regular soda, and white bread/pasta).  I need the WW, however, in order to watch calories.  There are a lot of delicious and healthy foods that you can eat on Best Life, but I can’t necessarily trust myself not to overeat them.

The good news is that rather than taking this “setback” as an end, I’ve taken it as an opportunity to figure out what works for me.  Although it’s rather boring, I’m going to post food and exercise for today here so that I can take a look at it.  If you see anything that you think I could improve upon, let me know.  I’m pretty happy with myself for now, though!

Breakfast: 190 calories of pistachios (was still doing South Beach at this point)

Exercise: 30 minutes Elliptical machine (didn’t have energy for full hour…hmmm)

Lunch: Weight Watchers Mac & Cheese (Couldn’t bring myself to choke down another swordfish steak)

Dinner: 1 slice nature’s own bread, 4 slices turkey, 1 oz 2% cheddar, 1 small apple

Exercise: 31 minutes walking outside (and a little running!)

After workout-snack (because I’d only eaten about 1000 calories at this point in the day…):  Yoplait Light (White Chocolate Strawberry) with 1 sheet graham cracker - YUM!, 1 string cheese (shared with kitty), 2 sheets graham crackers spread with 2 tbsp peanut butter and 1 tbsp strawberry preserves

As mentioned, I’m pleased to be within points, especially with exercise (the third day this week!), but I also need to adjust my calories so that I’m not eating half of them post-workout.  Good news: I didn’t binge! (Sorry, but I’m SUPER proud of this!  Dr. Beck says that you’re supposed to give yourself credit when you’ve earned it).

So, on to tomorrow.  I hope it’s another good day; who knows, maybe I’ll report a loss this week (yay!).

P.S. LOVE the Biggest Loser. That show is motivation in a box!

I was having a discussion with one of my friends last night about eating healthy, and we both came to the same conclusion “I don’t wanna.”  I wish I was the kind of person who loved vegetables; who craved them.  I know people like this.  I don’t like them very much because I don’t trust someone who would rather eat a salad than a chocolate bar.

I really don’t like “healthy” food, though.  I am sure that once I get going this will change slightly.  I’ll start appreciating veggies and lean meats.  But yesterday, I was eating a big, beautiful swordfish steak and grimacing the whole time.  It was literally hard for me to swallow.  I didn’t even try the vegetables I prepared to go with because I was pretty sure that I would have been sick.

Now, if I had been eating that swordfish with a side of white rice and some sort of sauce, I can guarantee you that I would have thought “wow, what a nice meal.”  But there is something about just eating the healthy foods that is really hard for me.  I am hoping that I will stick with it.  This tends to be the problem that I have with the South Beach Diet.  I LOVE the results that I get, but I end up feeling v. deprived and pretty miserable most of the time.  I have a hard time deciding whether or not it’s worth it.  At the end of the day, I think that healthy eating is just something that I have to get used to as opposed to something that I won’t ever be able to do.  I just don’t wanna do it!

If you haven’t picked up a copy of Judith Beck’s “The Beck Diet Solution,” I have to admit that it’s a great read.

One thing to note: Dr. Beck is NOT going to tell you how to lose weight. She won’t tell you what to eat or how to exercise. She does provide the behavioral tools that you need to be successful at weight loss.

I’ve been treated for major depressive disorder for the last couple of years (although I suspect that I’ve been depressed for longer than that). Cognitive behavioral therapy (pioneered by Dr. Beck’s father, Aaron Beck) is one of the more successful talk-therapy treatments for depression. While I didn’t take too well to sessions of CBT, I like the way that Dr. Beck’s book is set up.

In the spirit of a new diet, and in the spirit of sticking with her suggestions from the book, here are my “Advantages Response Card.” I am posting these for you to see and for me to see, so that I can come back to them at any time and remind myself why I need to lose weight, and why it is so important to me. (p.s. Thanks to Debbie’s blog for reminding me that I ought to do this!)

1.) I’ll look better.

2.) I’ll be attractive to men.

3.) I’ll be able to wear a smaller size.

4.) I’ll be able to wear the cute clothes in my closet.

5.) I’ll be happier when I look in the mirror.

6.) I’ll have fun shopping with my non-plus-sized friends.

7.) I won’t feel so self-conscious.

8.) I’ll be in better health.

9.) I won’t be so tired all the time.

10.) I won’t be so depressed.

11.) I’ll live longer.

12.) I’ll like myself better.

13.) I won’t feel so out-of-control.

14.) I’ll feel more confident while doing my job.

15.) I’ll have better self-esteem.

16.) I’ll feel okay about dating.

17.) I’ll go out with friends more often.

These are them. They’re good reasons, trust me. I’m ready to start living again. Life on the sidelines is a little boring.

So, I went to a birthday party this weekend, and of course, everyone has freaking digital cameras.  Two days later, there are photos of me online.  I look terrible.  I mean, I look really terrible.  I was under the impression that I looked cute when I left the house: had on a cute dress that nipped in a bit at the waist, high heels.  I’d done eye makeup and curled my hair.

But the photos online tell a different story.  My problem, you see, is one of perception.  Rather than being able to see things as they are, I instead see things as I wish they were, or perhaps as how they once were.  I’m not sure what it is, but when I look in the mirror, I don’t see an obese person.  I see that when I see photos, but when I actually look in the mirror, that’s not what I see at all.  What is this disconnect, between what I think I look like and what I actually look like?  And why don’t I see it when I look in the mirror, whereas in photos, it is all too clear?  It seems like some sort of neural gap, like a disconnect in the wiring.

So, knowing now how I look, I am forced to take action.  Today, I cleaned out the refrigerator.  Or course, this was after doing some serious binge eating, but that’s pretty par for the course.  I usually do some bingeing before starting a diet.

Last summer, I did a historical presentation on the work of Albert Ellis.  He was a funny kind of psychologist, because he was definitely not in the school of Aaron Beck or Carl Rogers.  He had very little positive regard for his clients.  “Stop whining” seemed to be at the heart of a lot of his therapeutic style.  To some degree, though, there is some insight in this statement, at least as far as my dieting history is concerned.

In general, I start a diet, and I start losing weight.  Maybe for a week, maybe for two weeks.  But soon after, something comes up.  Maybe it’s a party that I want to go to, and I don’t want to have to eat different food than everyone else.  Maybe it’s simply that the diet does not agree with me, and that I have been sick to my stomach for a few days.  But eventually, I give up the diet.  I find a good reason to.

The thing is, that if I’m ever going to be really happy, if I’m ever going to feel comfortable with myself, I have to lose weight.  And the only way that I can lose weight is to exercise and eat differently than I have been.  I have to schedule each of these events as non-negotiables in my day.  I have to make time for exercise, even when it seems that there isn’t a spare minute in my schedule.  I have to eat what I am supposed to, and not deviate from my plan.  There is a good chance that I am going to be hungry.  There is a good chance that I am going to want to eat other things.  But I cannot loosen my resolve.  I cannot eat things that I shouldn’t.

I have no one to blame but myself for the situation that I am now in.  I am the one who ate all of the food that helped me reach this place.  I am the one who sat on the couch and did not exercise.  I am the one who continued to allow myself to grow into a (disgusting) size 20.  And, at the end of the day, I am the only one who stands in the way of my own success.  If I allow myself to succeed, I can.  I can be a size 6 or a size 2 or whatever size I want.  If I allow myself to fail, I will remain unhappy and unhealthy.  I start today.  I am ready for my new life.  I am ready to take responsibility.